The weight of a Puddle
I have really learned to hate these days. The ones where my head gets too heavy to sometimes even hold up. It is like all eneergy rushes out of me and I am left with the heavy burden of my head, which is not light. It is carrying around all these thoughts about future, failure, impossiblity. I can feel it now how my face gets blank and my eyes lose drive. I can feel how my whole body is being used to hold up everything.
Some time ago I promised myself you would never see me this way. You would never know I had this side of me. It feels like a weight just for me to hold, and I do not like the idea about it holding you down as well. That is what i am doing now arent I? I have just rambled and rambled negativity and now you feel just as lost as I do. You feel just as unaccomplished and just as much like a failure. I apologize.
Sometimes I feel so much like a puddle when I get like this. I feel like I have no where to go and at some point I might just go away. I might just disappear from everything. No, nothing like suicide, but just like going away for a bit. People probably wouldn’t notice with all the other puddles lying around.
The Touch
Sometimes all I need is your arms soft as silk encompassing my very waist
Holding tight till all my cares discipate
I need your calming breath to brush all those tiny hairs on my neck
To show me you are there and that all my worry is folly
I like the way it feels when your fingers touch my ribs and softly pull me closer to your chest
I feel like all of me becomes you for that second melding us together until the end
Sometimes I just need you next to me just to know its true
that these hands, lips, and heart will be with me for forever
Holding me, touching me, pulling us closer
until we’re one.
This took a lot of tears: Delve into the abyss
Everyday gets a little harder. There is just so much to do and so much I am thinking about. Just recently my mind has been torturing me about well some classified relationship stuff that I have now promised not to talk about. I just feel so helpless though. It is like looking at a puppy someone says they will buy for you and then wondering everyday when that puppy will be in your room waiting for you. I am excited and nervous and I am always thinking about it, and that is the problem, I don’t want to think about it anymore. I want a surprise, I want a tear driven exciting surprise, but if I can’t stop and let it go I will never get it.
This is my fault though, I always want to know everything. I always want hints and information. I always want these things that no other person gets. Why should I be asking? I don’t know why I ask…Truthfully I do not want to know. Truthfully I just wish their was a camera so I could hear the conversations after. I don’t want to miss out on the emotions and the conversations and the happiness. Men say they get it bad having to buy these expensive things, but I think it is really the woman. She doesn’t know what her parents said when he brought it up, she doesn’t know what the smile or tears looked like on her dads face, she doesn’t get to see the ideas and plans that go into it. We just see the end, the culmination. We just see what was decided on; I know my dad was ok with it and the parents were too. I just know that this idea was the best so that’s what he did. I just know that everything came together to make something amazing.
I am crying now just thinking about it, because I never have before. I never wrote out the things I have been feeling. I never took a second to realize that these amazing things would never include me, but they are all for me, and they are all for us. I cry a lot now; because i am happy and sad and excited and scared. I thought about John Mayer saying “Fathers be good to your daughters cause daughters will live like you do..” I thought and I cried. I knew one day, some day I would not be looking to my dad to walk me through everything. I would just be hoping I learned so much while I could. I thought of that time when he gives me over and I know I will cry like I am now and I am only thinking of it. Everything is so real, so beautiful, but so real now.
I love everything so much now. I am in love with the greatest man I have ever met. He completes every part of me. He makes even the rough parts of me beautiful and I could not live without him. I have a great family and my brothers girlfriend in wonderful. I love my boyfriends family, they are a home away from home. I always feel comfortable with them and I am so blessed to have them. His sister is fun and I know that I will never stop having fun getting to know her and spending time with her. Although I don’t talk much with his brother he is a good guy and I know he is just trying to figure everything out now. I know in the end he will do the thing that works best for him.
I better stop writing so I can stop crying. Thanks for reading and thanks for listening. This is me..the real me and I am glad I got to show it.
Just a little something: Dancing
Sometimes I wish I could twist around you somewhere close to your heart
Just so I can hear the sweet sound of your life always in rhythm like soft jazz
We would float together bonded as we always are
Always will
and forever
be.
Head: Map
I am just a woman now
In disaster
Disarray
Finding my head full of maps has led me to confusion and a route to nowhere I planned to be
My Heart: What is it worth?
How much is my heart worth?
Do the walks and talks pay my debt?
Do the hours of poems forgive my rent?
How much is my heart worth?
Do the I love yous let me free?
Does my priceless love for you carry over to me?
You & Me: Private
I can’t resist warm finger tips to cold flesh
My hands curling around the back of your neck
Lips parting
Anxious thoughts
Two ivory bodies melding together in moist tender love
I am in Love.
I am in love
With how the water falls off your hair in the wettest of environment
How it drips down your skin to the creases in your toes and leaves never to be seen again
I love how your eyes squint a tiny bit each time you say that you love me
How it rolls off your tongue just right and makes me euphorically happy.
I am in love
With how you smile at me and joke so I feel better
How you tickle my sides and say the loveliest sweet nothings
I love how you cry with me because you feel my pain too
You bandage my heartache and cure my soul.
I am in love
With the idea that your eyes are a little sadder when I go away
Because I know that I feel the same way
I love how you love me with your never-ending compassion
How you made me the luckiest of women.
I am in Love
In crazy, feel good, laugh, cry, goose bumps, can’t wait to melt into you again love with you
Never Forget..
Love: What it is.
Never underestimate Love. It will drag you to do the craziest of things. It is wild, scary, and filled with endless beauty. You wake up and go to sleep with it. It is on your mind 24/7 and it doesn’t care if it pains you. The cure though is in the kiss, it is in the touch, and it is in their face; their sweet sweet face.
Your Love: What I am
Let me be your love
The feeling in your stomach that pulls on all your heart srtings
Let me gather you in my touch and embrace your ambient soul
Allow me to cradle your weakness and gawk at you strengths
Let me be your body to save you from pain
Let me be your love so pure and unique
I’ll be your fortress and your foundation underneath
Brooke Mae: Life, Love, Happiness, & Disappointments 